In recent past, I have hated fathers day. after all I had never been a father. never knew my bio dad for real, gorman abandoned us after he and mom divorced and this after forcing bio dad to give us up so he could adopt us and well dad 3 tried to kill me 3x and spent most my life while at home being physically, verbally and mentally abused WHEEEEEEE!!! what great father pictures huh?
what stand up guys to look up to to model my fat ass to.
mia, drunk and abusive and cheater (to be honest she cheated too) and abuser, drunk mean spirited. what a dad I would have made!!!!
I look at Lisa and I wish we could have had a baby. she would be so pretty and smart, all Lisa's side and hope my fucked up genes caused minimal damage.
then recently remembered in early days when married to J we got preggers, was odd time decided to keep baby or take care of ?!??!!?!?!! yeah we thought about it. Finally came to conclusion and said well if universe wants us to have baby, well we were gonna accept and love the baby, we decided to tell the family we were gonna have a baby on april 1, they thought was joke we thought timing was great.
2days later we lost her, we in jest to ease pain named her Clumpy Gorman.
Been thinking of old age no kids to love me and thinking well is all good, you cant pass on fat and fucked up and depressed the chain ends with you (well R has two daughters but they are diff story). I was dreaming and a baby came to me, she told me her name was Victoria Faith, named after my mom, she loved me and was ok, she wanted to come into world but then saw how angry J was and decided was not her time. She sees me and sees L and says L is the mama she wanted and loves L, we are gonna be ok she says.
so i got a spirit baby. and I love her.
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