missing my girl
missing her smile
i love her i do
she is gone many miles
she will come back
but my tears my pain my fear
heart beating, acid in belly
horns large and no release
loss of ego, worthless cripple
bad voices and images.
laughing at me, belittling me
others able to walk and move
you the house weight
loser.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
growth
growth
pain
ache
heart pounding, I love her she loves me, she has put her life on hold for over 2 years now, dealing with my fat cripple ass, my fuck up into poly, has let me play when old lovers actually come to visit, i dont mind she is going to adult party,but being left alone with just the boy to really take care of me, is hurting, my head heart are pounding. I am jealous she is going someplace, while i am trapped because i am such a fat bastard, yeah i got infection help fuck leg up, but lets be honest, 90% my fuckin crippleness is my fat. i have been trying to lose, i am stronger then last year but still so far from being able even get my own cuppa coffee. some where i become a social creature, i miss people, i miss the women who said the liked me, cared and wanted to play. tired of being a house weight. i want her to have fun. I swear I do. but i want to be there, i want to be with people, charming them laughing and seducing. i love my girl, i hate my body, i hate my weakness, i hate the tears that well up, I AM GOING TO BE ALONE!!!mostly, the boy will be here, my nurse will be here to change me and bath me, with luck i remember to get cups filled and some food, if not i wait, til he gets up. could be 12pm or could be 6pm. oh joy.
while i bitchin, i dont believe h and her interviews, told her A that she had interviews one today at 5 and another tomorrow, Ok, i may be out of real world but most companies Including Mcd's don't interview or test after 4, oh wait, she packed her pc into van and left at 530 geee her interview was at 5... she left not dressed for it, and what company interviews on sats? and how many interviews last 4 hours for an entry level job? i feel bad i dont believe, but i dont.
i love A with all my being and I HATE HATE HATE HATE those she loves takin advantage. A is sweet loving an caring, i am lucky to have her and her love and devotion. i hate my body. i hate being trapped, i hate her being taken advantage of.
pain
ache
heart pounding, I love her she loves me, she has put her life on hold for over 2 years now, dealing with my fat cripple ass, my fuck up into poly, has let me play when old lovers actually come to visit, i dont mind she is going to adult party,but being left alone with just the boy to really take care of me, is hurting, my head heart are pounding. I am jealous she is going someplace, while i am trapped because i am such a fat bastard, yeah i got infection help fuck leg up, but lets be honest, 90% my fuckin crippleness is my fat. i have been trying to lose, i am stronger then last year but still so far from being able even get my own cuppa coffee. some where i become a social creature, i miss people, i miss the women who said the liked me, cared and wanted to play. tired of being a house weight. i want her to have fun. I swear I do. but i want to be there, i want to be with people, charming them laughing and seducing. i love my girl, i hate my body, i hate my weakness, i hate the tears that well up, I AM GOING TO BE ALONE!!!mostly, the boy will be here, my nurse will be here to change me and bath me, with luck i remember to get cups filled and some food, if not i wait, til he gets up. could be 12pm or could be 6pm. oh joy.
while i bitchin, i dont believe h and her interviews, told her A that she had interviews one today at 5 and another tomorrow, Ok, i may be out of real world but most companies Including Mcd's don't interview or test after 4, oh wait, she packed her pc into van and left at 530 geee her interview was at 5... she left not dressed for it, and what company interviews on sats? and how many interviews last 4 hours for an entry level job? i feel bad i dont believe, but i dont.
i love A with all my being and I HATE HATE HATE HATE those she loves takin advantage. A is sweet loving an caring, i am lucky to have her and her love and devotion. i hate my body. i hate being trapped, i hate her being taken advantage of.
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