and the world is shaky again.
it will brighten again but once again for the moment i am world destroyer again I am a akin to Shiva, after all he is one with title THE DESTROYER!!!!!!
to know what i do now, i would deny my poly-side the side that loves many. I kept it shut for most life, fuck i hid emotions most my life. I was better off at times, i seldom hurt anyone who didn't deserve it. I don't think I ever destroyed anyone's heart well I did 1x, but i was 19 and she was 31 talkin marriage and I ran like a little punk fuck, i wish i could do that over. L made it ok for me to love, trust my love, trust my feelings. Oops, cant trust them, *sings* fooled around and fell in love (thanks Elvin Bishop) how is it possible to feel like a god and phule all in same heart beat and breath?
Pat Benatar sang song many moons ago that is apt and fits too "HEARTBREAKER DREAM TAKER DONT YOU MESS AROUND WITH ME"
I never wanted to hurt anyone i love, an never never ever L. if i could i would slice cut bleed. to watch crimson slowly flow down my arm. each droplet a bit of pain.
am sorry sweet angel. sorry t. sorry for anyone an everyone i ever hurt by being me.
times i wish i could phase a way. or be that real asshole that doest care about anyone but self like it appears i am, but iam not that fucker. i hurt my love i hurt me. and old tools to hide run from feeling not available I cant eat til i puke, cant drink til drunk, dont drug anymore and i dont fucking smoke anymore. that leaves me feeling and rolling in hot sharp glass. i deserve to suffer not L.
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My darling, you have al lthe rights of everyone else in this world to be happy, whole and who you want to be. I need your big genereous heart right now. Without it, who do i have to thrash against? who do I have to hold me while I cry out yet another moment. When you're broken .... I need you to still be here, following your journey, so i know you will always be ok. Pain happens, shit happens, we all get caught by it. We are ever growing stronger and healthier for all the struggle. We will need this strength in ourselves and each other for whatever lies in the future. While I will never forget this, I will see my journey through it and back to a stronger, more loyal love for thee. I do rejoice for the changes and the potential we will create together. We have been so on the same page for so long. i will not loose your friendship or heart willingly. I am your and you are mine forever and a day.
ReplyDelete*tears*
ReplyDeleteI love you both so very much.
*hugs*