missing my girl
missing her smile
i love her i do
she is gone many miles
she will come back
but my tears my pain my fear
heart beating, acid in belly
horns large and no release
loss of ego, worthless cripple
bad voices and images.
laughing at me, belittling me
others able to walk and move
you the house weight
loser.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
growth
growth
pain
ache
heart pounding, I love her she loves me, she has put her life on hold for over 2 years now, dealing with my fat cripple ass, my fuck up into poly, has let me play when old lovers actually come to visit, i dont mind she is going to adult party,but being left alone with just the boy to really take care of me, is hurting, my head heart are pounding. I am jealous she is going someplace, while i am trapped because i am such a fat bastard, yeah i got infection help fuck leg up, but lets be honest, 90% my fuckin crippleness is my fat. i have been trying to lose, i am stronger then last year but still so far from being able even get my own cuppa coffee. some where i become a social creature, i miss people, i miss the women who said the liked me, cared and wanted to play. tired of being a house weight. i want her to have fun. I swear I do. but i want to be there, i want to be with people, charming them laughing and seducing. i love my girl, i hate my body, i hate my weakness, i hate the tears that well up, I AM GOING TO BE ALONE!!!mostly, the boy will be here, my nurse will be here to change me and bath me, with luck i remember to get cups filled and some food, if not i wait, til he gets up. could be 12pm or could be 6pm. oh joy.
while i bitchin, i dont believe h and her interviews, told her A that she had interviews one today at 5 and another tomorrow, Ok, i may be out of real world but most companies Including Mcd's don't interview or test after 4, oh wait, she packed her pc into van and left at 530 geee her interview was at 5... she left not dressed for it, and what company interviews on sats? and how many interviews last 4 hours for an entry level job? i feel bad i dont believe, but i dont.
i love A with all my being and I HATE HATE HATE HATE those she loves takin advantage. A is sweet loving an caring, i am lucky to have her and her love and devotion. i hate my body. i hate being trapped, i hate her being taken advantage of.
pain
ache
heart pounding, I love her she loves me, she has put her life on hold for over 2 years now, dealing with my fat cripple ass, my fuck up into poly, has let me play when old lovers actually come to visit, i dont mind she is going to adult party,but being left alone with just the boy to really take care of me, is hurting, my head heart are pounding. I am jealous she is going someplace, while i am trapped because i am such a fat bastard, yeah i got infection help fuck leg up, but lets be honest, 90% my fuckin crippleness is my fat. i have been trying to lose, i am stronger then last year but still so far from being able even get my own cuppa coffee. some where i become a social creature, i miss people, i miss the women who said the liked me, cared and wanted to play. tired of being a house weight. i want her to have fun. I swear I do. but i want to be there, i want to be with people, charming them laughing and seducing. i love my girl, i hate my body, i hate my weakness, i hate the tears that well up, I AM GOING TO BE ALONE!!!mostly, the boy will be here, my nurse will be here to change me and bath me, with luck i remember to get cups filled and some food, if not i wait, til he gets up. could be 12pm or could be 6pm. oh joy.
while i bitchin, i dont believe h and her interviews, told her A that she had interviews one today at 5 and another tomorrow, Ok, i may be out of real world but most companies Including Mcd's don't interview or test after 4, oh wait, she packed her pc into van and left at 530 geee her interview was at 5... she left not dressed for it, and what company interviews on sats? and how many interviews last 4 hours for an entry level job? i feel bad i dont believe, but i dont.
i love A with all my being and I HATE HATE HATE HATE those she loves takin advantage. A is sweet loving an caring, i am lucky to have her and her love and devotion. i hate my body. i hate being trapped, i hate her being taken advantage of.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
a first
and possibly the last. pup and I are fighting. she does not agree with my assessment or views on this.
tween she and I we have hurt L and D more then two loved beings should be hurt.
I started a discussion tonight on collaring because L & pup have diff views. L let off some steam on her shared her hurt for real in front of pup and D and started a discussion, got east coast loud, a a pup alt came out, and told L that she wants collar to show she belongs to me forever, in a committed relationship akin to marriage. L not happy, she is my heart my soul my love my mate, I love pup don't get me wrong but L is forever and a day. I want pup too, greedy fat man. pup/A ignored how her partner/wife/lover/bf sat and cried as she told aloud she wanted commitment to me, i am honored but home needs to be a stable hardcore foundation, before considering a collar commitment in my mind.
how could she ignore those tears and ignore D?
I am disappointed in that. D should be her 1st, middle and last thought everyday on happy life. I should add to that happy NOT detract.
Long story, L raised voice called A(inside person in pup, like my people)a bitch, pup got upset left.
YOU Cant solve anything by running, she says she was verbally abused and yelled at , Ummm NO not ever close by my standards.
she disagrees.
TO be me I have to have honor, integrity and I work hard to heal and make self stronger better to walk, lose lbs. to be with my I require honor, integrity the ability and desire to improve self. I require and desire no less from my gf and or submissive.
this needs to be talked about, she and L and D and I need to sit down and talk honestly and cry and talk, cry, yell, shout, and curse if we are to have chance to be strong unit *fill in name of unit pack, fam,tribe,etc*
pup got upset and dismissed me (( PRETTY FUCKING FUNNY MY SUBMISSIVE DISMISSING HER SIR WTF LOLS))
pup has told me often she loves my strength, my integrity, my honor, my ability to pursue my health goals. well I want her to walk path I walk and use feel these same tools and ways. without them I AM DEAD and i have nothing without honor and integrity.
I told her think about these words and come fight argue if we are to be and work. If she chooses not to I told her I release her.
this is hard. this hurts. love is not wrong people hurting is wrong.
she needs to love respect d and l even if the a part of her doesn't want to. she needs to get grip and control a.
if it ends i will sad and will grieve, has been a painful and exciting and memorable 2 months. I hope she takes my lessons to heart and learns to love respect self if she chooses to take the runaway path *this from man in diapers and needs help getting clean* and pray goddess protects her in all she does and seeks.
i will always remember the love and laughter. fight for this if you need want it. walk away if you don't feel it is worth working on self and spirit and building
the unit that which we want/wanted to belong.
I will eat and cry now. and wonder what pup will choose.
tween she and I we have hurt L and D more then two loved beings should be hurt.
I started a discussion tonight on collaring because L & pup have diff views. L let off some steam on her shared her hurt for real in front of pup and D and started a discussion, got east coast loud, a a pup alt came out, and told L that she wants collar to show she belongs to me forever, in a committed relationship akin to marriage. L not happy, she is my heart my soul my love my mate, I love pup don't get me wrong but L is forever and a day. I want pup too, greedy fat man. pup/A ignored how her partner/wife/lover/bf sat and cried as she told aloud she wanted commitment to me, i am honored but home needs to be a stable hardcore foundation, before considering a collar commitment in my mind.
how could she ignore those tears and ignore D?
I am disappointed in that. D should be her 1st, middle and last thought everyday on happy life. I should add to that happy NOT detract.
Long story, L raised voice called A(inside person in pup, like my people)a bitch, pup got upset left.
YOU Cant solve anything by running, she says she was verbally abused and yelled at , Ummm NO not ever close by my standards.
she disagrees.
TO be me I have to have honor, integrity and I work hard to heal and make self stronger better to walk, lose lbs. to be with my I require honor, integrity the ability and desire to improve self. I require and desire no less from my gf and or submissive.
this needs to be talked about, she and L and D and I need to sit down and talk honestly and cry and talk, cry, yell, shout, and curse if we are to have chance to be strong unit *fill in name of unit pack, fam,tribe,etc*
pup got upset and dismissed me (( PRETTY FUCKING FUNNY MY SUBMISSIVE DISMISSING HER SIR WTF LOLS))
pup has told me often she loves my strength, my integrity, my honor, my ability to pursue my health goals. well I want her to walk path I walk and use feel these same tools and ways. without them I AM DEAD and i have nothing without honor and integrity.
I told her think about these words and come fight argue if we are to be and work. If she chooses not to I told her I release her.
this is hard. this hurts. love is not wrong people hurting is wrong.
she needs to love respect d and l even if the a part of her doesn't want to. she needs to get grip and control a.
if it ends i will sad and will grieve, has been a painful and exciting and memorable 2 months. I hope she takes my lessons to heart and learns to love respect self if she chooses to take the runaway path *this from man in diapers and needs help getting clean* and pray goddess protects her in all she does and seeks.
i will always remember the love and laughter. fight for this if you need want it. walk away if you don't feel it is worth working on self and spirit and building
the unit that which we want/wanted to belong.
I will eat and cry now. and wonder what pup will choose.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
so i got a spirit baby. and I love her.
In recent past, I have hated fathers day. after all I had never been a father. never knew my bio dad for real, gorman abandoned us after he and mom divorced and this after forcing bio dad to give us up so he could adopt us and well dad 3 tried to kill me 3x and spent most my life while at home being physically, verbally and mentally abused WHEEEEEEE!!! what great father pictures huh?
what stand up guys to look up to to model my fat ass to.
mia, drunk and abusive and cheater (to be honest she cheated too) and abuser, drunk mean spirited. what a dad I would have made!!!!
I look at Lisa and I wish we could have had a baby. she would be so pretty and smart, all Lisa's side and hope my fucked up genes caused minimal damage.
then recently remembered in early days when married to J we got preggers, was odd time decided to keep baby or take care of ?!??!!?!?!! yeah we thought about it. Finally came to conclusion and said well if universe wants us to have baby, well we were gonna accept and love the baby, we decided to tell the family we were gonna have a baby on april 1, they thought was joke we thought timing was great.
2days later we lost her, we in jest to ease pain named her Clumpy Gorman.
Been thinking of old age no kids to love me and thinking well is all good, you cant pass on fat and fucked up and depressed the chain ends with you (well R has two daughters but they are diff story). I was dreaming and a baby came to me, she told me her name was Victoria Faith, named after my mom, she loved me and was ok, she wanted to come into world but then saw how angry J was and decided was not her time. She sees me and sees L and says L is the mama she wanted and loves L, we are gonna be ok she says.
so i got a spirit baby. and I love her.
what stand up guys to look up to to model my fat ass to.
mia, drunk and abusive and cheater (to be honest she cheated too) and abuser, drunk mean spirited. what a dad I would have made!!!!
I look at Lisa and I wish we could have had a baby. she would be so pretty and smart, all Lisa's side and hope my fucked up genes caused minimal damage.
then recently remembered in early days when married to J we got preggers, was odd time decided to keep baby or take care of ?!??!!?!?!! yeah we thought about it. Finally came to conclusion and said well if universe wants us to have baby, well we were gonna accept and love the baby, we decided to tell the family we were gonna have a baby on april 1, they thought was joke we thought timing was great.
2days later we lost her, we in jest to ease pain named her Clumpy Gorman.
Been thinking of old age no kids to love me and thinking well is all good, you cant pass on fat and fucked up and depressed the chain ends with you (well R has two daughters but they are diff story). I was dreaming and a baby came to me, she told me her name was Victoria Faith, named after my mom, she loved me and was ok, she wanted to come into world but then saw how angry J was and decided was not her time. She sees me and sees L and says L is the mama she wanted and loves L, we are gonna be ok she says.
so i got a spirit baby. and I love her.
is morning
and the world is shaky again.
it will brighten again but once again for the moment i am world destroyer again I am a akin to Shiva, after all he is one with title THE DESTROYER!!!!!!
to know what i do now, i would deny my poly-side the side that loves many. I kept it shut for most life, fuck i hid emotions most my life. I was better off at times, i seldom hurt anyone who didn't deserve it. I don't think I ever destroyed anyone's heart well I did 1x, but i was 19 and she was 31 talkin marriage and I ran like a little punk fuck, i wish i could do that over. L made it ok for me to love, trust my love, trust my feelings. Oops, cant trust them, *sings* fooled around and fell in love (thanks Elvin Bishop) how is it possible to feel like a god and phule all in same heart beat and breath?
Pat Benatar sang song many moons ago that is apt and fits too "HEARTBREAKER DREAM TAKER DONT YOU MESS AROUND WITH ME"
I never wanted to hurt anyone i love, an never never ever L. if i could i would slice cut bleed. to watch crimson slowly flow down my arm. each droplet a bit of pain.
am sorry sweet angel. sorry t. sorry for anyone an everyone i ever hurt by being me.
times i wish i could phase a way. or be that real asshole that doest care about anyone but self like it appears i am, but iam not that fucker. i hurt my love i hurt me. and old tools to hide run from feeling not available I cant eat til i puke, cant drink til drunk, dont drug anymore and i dont fucking smoke anymore. that leaves me feeling and rolling in hot sharp glass. i deserve to suffer not L.
it will brighten again but once again for the moment i am world destroyer again I am a akin to Shiva, after all he is one with title THE DESTROYER!!!!!!
to know what i do now, i would deny my poly-side the side that loves many. I kept it shut for most life, fuck i hid emotions most my life. I was better off at times, i seldom hurt anyone who didn't deserve it. I don't think I ever destroyed anyone's heart well I did 1x, but i was 19 and she was 31 talkin marriage and I ran like a little punk fuck, i wish i could do that over. L made it ok for me to love, trust my love, trust my feelings. Oops, cant trust them, *sings* fooled around and fell in love (thanks Elvin Bishop) how is it possible to feel like a god and phule all in same heart beat and breath?
Pat Benatar sang song many moons ago that is apt and fits too "HEARTBREAKER DREAM TAKER DONT YOU MESS AROUND WITH ME"
I never wanted to hurt anyone i love, an never never ever L. if i could i would slice cut bleed. to watch crimson slowly flow down my arm. each droplet a bit of pain.
am sorry sweet angel. sorry t. sorry for anyone an everyone i ever hurt by being me.
times i wish i could phase a way. or be that real asshole that doest care about anyone but self like it appears i am, but iam not that fucker. i hurt my love i hurt me. and old tools to hide run from feeling not available I cant eat til i puke, cant drink til drunk, dont drug anymore and i dont fucking smoke anymore. that leaves me feeling and rolling in hot sharp glass. i deserve to suffer not L.
Friday, August 6, 2010
grr
wanna talk but cant been bumped.
frustrating. love FG but is hard when she comes and downloads when i need to clear my voice.
again i feel unworthy and shitty.
i know i will always be preempted by needs of the spawn.
stupid jackass. wait.
is your need to talk not her or fgs.
frustrating. love FG but is hard when she comes and downloads when i need to clear my voice.
again i feel unworthy and shitty.
i know i will always be preempted by needs of the spawn.
stupid jackass. wait.
is your need to talk not her or fgs.
verbal puke
FUCK!!!
i feel so useless and like i lie the world.
how why do i still feel this little jealous creature?
wtf
i feel so useless and like i lie the world.
how why do i still feel this little jealous creature?
wtf
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